


Breathe

by toosmallcage



Series: Breathe [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Canonical Child Abuse, Childhood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Miklan (Fire Emblem) Being an Asshole, Platonic Relationships, Sylvain Jose Gautier's Father's Bad Parenting, Too young still, no beta we die like Glenn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 08:07:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23468140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toosmallcage/pseuds/toosmallcage
Summary: Sylvain has a difficult start at life, and he probably would have turned out to be a completely different person if not because he found the one thing he couldn't hate no matter how hard he tried.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Series: Breathe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1702987
Comments: 2
Kudos: 59





	Breathe

Sylvain hated Glenn almost as much as he hated Miklan. He hated it when nice, kind Duke Fraldarius came visit his father because he'd always bring his too perfect son, wielder of a major Fraldarius crest, unknowing of what their very presence did to Sylvain.

Every time they came, Sylvain's father grew a little colder, a little more disappointed, and it translated in more cruelty towards Miklan, which bleeded into more in more abuse for Sylvain.

Even being only five years old, Sylvain understood things all too well. He had always been a smart boy and knew Miklan was only taking his frustration and anger it on him because there was no other outlet for him. Miklan hated Duke Fraldarius, but his fear to his father stopped him from even using the wrong tone of voice. Miklan also hated Glenn but being three years younger and a lot worse at handling himself in a fight, all he could do was try to avoid it. So, all Miklan had was Sylvain.

In turn, Sylvain has no one, and all he could do was just silently hate everyone and everything, himself included. A part of him was convinced he deserved Miklan's torture, if he hadn't been born with a crest, none of this would be happening. It was his fault that his father was so cruel to Miklan, so the very least he owed his brother was accepted his hatred, his cruelty, and embrace it in silent resignation.

Sylvain has gotten used to it, but whenever the Fraldarius were around things just got so much worse. He ended up despising them, that was his own way to cope with things. Sylvain kept it all being bottled up and up and up, because what else he could do? He didn't have anyone like his father had Miklan, or like Miklan had him. Sylvain was alone.

He was six years old when Sylvain met Felix. It was during his mother's funeral. It turned out the youngest Fraldarius also bore a major crest, and it made Sylvain's tremble in terror because he saw the look in his father's eyes as he looked at Miklan and what it'd mean for him later when they were alone.

Sylvain found himself hating his mother on her funeral, and despising the little kid that ran around after prince Dimitri, all laughs and cheerfulness. When they were introduced Felix smiles at him and reached out, Sylvain worn his best practiced fake smile and pretended he felt anything other than a burning hate.

How dare Felix have a major crest just like Glenn did? How dare him get along with his father and brother? How dare him live happy and carefree despite the burden placed on him? How dare him add to wood to the fire of Sylvain's father disappointment and Miklan rage and his own misery?

Sylvain found himself wanting to make Felix _his_. To use him like his father used Miklan and like Miklan used him. He wanted an outlet too, a little retribution, a sense of balance, but when that afternoon Felix ran to him and clinged from his clothes, yelling and crying at Dimitri because he broke his toy, Sylvain found himself unable to shake him off and be mean.

He wasn't able to do anything but stand there and watch, not able to step in but not able to walk away either, and he realized he was tired. He just was so tired.

Maybe he was hoping Miklan's anger was finally got enough to do what he so clearly wanted to and hadn't quite dared yet. Later, Sylvain found himself wandering deep in the courtyard alone, well aware of what would happen. Miklan found him, beat the shit out of him, like usual, but that was all. Sylvain wasn't able to leave his room again for days, and by the time he had recovered again to be allowed to be seen again, his mother had been buried for a while and the Fraldarius and Blayddid and everyone else long gone. Things returned to normal, for a while. No one missed Sylvain's mother, not even Sylvain himself.

The next time Sylvain saw Felix was at Fhirdiad, months later. It was early winter and King Lambert and Duke Fraldarius had invited the Margrave Gautier to spend the winter with them at the castle in hopes to cheer him up for the loss of his wife. The three of them had been close friends for along time, and even if they had distanced a little over time, at least Lambert and Rodrigue wanted to keep honoring that friendship.

Sylvain and Miklan of course came too, but both young Gautier knew Miklan was allowed to come only to avoid unnecessary questions from the king and his right hand, not because his father really wanted to bring him along. There Sylvain met Ingrid, who despite being only the same age as Felix and Dimitri had already been promised to Glenn. It was an arrangement between the Duke Fraldarius and the head of house Galatea, who had offered his crest born daughter in hopes to improve his territory's situation in the long term. Since both, little Ingrid and knight-in-training Glenn seemed to like each other enough to get along, Rodrige decided to accept. Both territories were neighbors and they both would likely benefit from such an union.

Only Sylvain was able to see the burning jealousy behind his father's eyes whenever he spared a glance at Glenn and Felix. Both of them major crest wielders, Glenn being already engaged to a girl with a crest. Meanwhile he was stuck with a crestless useless elder son and a disappointing younger son who barely got a minor crest.

But Margrave Gautier was just as good at acting as Sylvain was, and everything seemed good and fine.

Sylvain spent the first two weeks of that winter trying his damn best to avoid everyone, and he'd be successful most of the time. The only people who would actively look for him would be Miklan, who needed his punching bag quite a lot lately, and little Felix, who for some reason that Sylvain couldn't understand kept running to him whenever Dimitri made him cry.

Sylvain learned eventually that it was because Glenn used to tease him a lot for being such a crybaby, but that would come so much later.

Sylvain wanted Nothing more than to be left alone. He specially wanted Felix to leave him alone. This sentiment only grew more urgent and stronger when Sylvain's father looked at him in approval for the apparent friendship growing between him and the youngest Fraldarius.

_Well done, Sylvain. Keep choosing your allies this good and you'll get far. Maybe you'll even be able to snatch Fraldarius back from those starved Galateans._

Oh, how much Sylvain hated it. But all he could do was smile and say "Yes, father."

He hated his father, and hated his brother, and hated the Fraldarius, but he hated himself the most for not being able to shove Felix off and walk away every time the boy came to hide behind him, crying.

He hated not being able to hate Felix or be even a little bit mean to him. Hated not being able to seize the retribution he needed so much and that Felix so innocently offered to him whenever he came close. He hated being so tired that he didn't even care anymore and could only smile empty smiles over and over again. Fortunately, he could always count on Miklan to punish him for his weakness and cowardice and overall existence.

Sometime during the third week, Dimitri, Felix, Ingrid and Sylvain were in one of the many inner gardens of the castle. The three youngest children running around playing at being knights while the adults conversed over a cup of tea sitting in the gazebo. Sylvain was sitting against a tree, a book in hand and trying to read when suddenly a wooden training sword appeared out of nowhere and pinned his shoulder against the tree in a flash. Sylvain's scream of pain broke the tranquility of the atmosphere around.

"Goddess, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" Glenn exclaimed as he ran to Sylvain to remove the piece of wood from his shoulder. He had been sparring with Miklan, a bit playfully and a bit seriously. Glenn was so much better than Miklan and had disarmed him easily, the wooden sword flew out of the older Gautier's hand and impaled itself on poor unsuspecting Sylvain.

Or that's how Miklan had made it look like.

"Don't touch him, you brat!" The Margrave Gautier was furious and shoved Glenn away roughly as he tried to take care of his son. Rodrigue was also apologizing now after instructing his eldest to go find a healer. Blood poured out of the deep wound in Sylvain's shoulder when he was unstuck from the tree, but he was so used to pain already he barely flinched.

Sylvain smiled, he knew it wasn't an accident, but pointing it out would hardly do anything good "It's fine, it doesn't even hurt that much." He said and it earned him his father's and father's friends' praise. Such a brave and strong kid.

But it didn't work the same for Dimitri, Ingrid and Felix, who were staring in horror at the blood pouring so abundantly out of his body. Ingrid and Dimitri wore cold shock and horror in their faces, likely not having seen this much blood before. Felix was crying but, before Rodrigue could do anything to calm his youngest, Felix turned around, picked up the discarded sword and threw it back at Miklan hitting him straight on his face, leaving stain of blood in the form of a line stamped in between his eyes full of shock.

"You did it on purpose!" Little Felix yelled with tears and snot all over his face "I saw you! You did it on purpose!"

For a moment everyone went silent, Miklan paled when he saw the change in the Margrave's eyes. 

"Shut up, stupid brat!" Miklan yelled, panic taking the best of him, not even allowing him the enough common sense to try and deny it.

"Apologize…!" Felix yelled, picking up a stone and throwing it at Miklan with terrible aim. "I saw you…!"

But before he could say anything else, Glenn reappeared, a healer in tow, and he wrapped an arm.around his little brother's head and covered his mouth with his hand. 

Now that the healer was there, everyone's attention turned back to Sylvain. Rodrigue apologized again, this time for his two sons, as Lambert instructed to take Sylvain inside to be taken care of properly.

Unable to keep smiling or say anything else, Sylvain looked back as he was being taken inside. His eyes wide in shock and even a bit of terror as he saw Glenn glaring at Miklan as he tried to keep Felix held back. Ingrid and Dimitri seemed confused, but they were throwing suspicious looks at the eldest Gautier. Miklan looked at Sylvain once, ragging hate in his eyes, before he turned around and left through the other way trying to clean off the stain of blood on his face but only making it worse.

Sylvain knew Miklan would retaliate for this. Not only he got exposed in front of everyone and hit and humiliated by a little kid less than half his size, but there was also the unavoidable looming punishment that their father would subject him to once they we're back at house Gautier.

It all made Sylvain terrified because he knew his brother's next attack would be something else. Maybe this time he'd kill him for sure. Miklan was becoming more and more bold as time passed. He didn't want to sleep because he knew the moment he closed his eyes he'd be vulnerable and helpless. In the back of his mind the very real possibility that he wouldn't wake up again felt worse than any punch or insult that his brother had thrown at him in his whole life. Sylvain thought he was ready for this, that he was ready to die, that he deserved to disappear, but now that it was becoming more and more possible that it'd happen for real he found himself utterly terrified. 

Had Miklan aimed a little better earlier, he'd probably wouldn't be here at all anymore.

Still, the medication they gave him after healing his wound put his body to sleep against his will. And Sylvain found himself running through an endless maze of withered trees as black hands reached from the darkness to seize him. He could hear his brother's voice calling.

_Sylvie, come out. Don't make me angrier than I'm already…_

And then those black hands finally caught him. They gripped his shoulder and made him scream. It was just a wordless shriek, even if he wanted to call for help, there was no one he could call to.

He sat up in bed with a jolt, his voice still coming out of his throat loud and terrified. He shoved off that hand and recoiled in bed and started to beg "Please, Miklan, please…! I'm sorry, I'm sorry…!"

But instead of his brothers awful snort, what he heard was the tiniest sob.

"S-Sylvie…?"

"Don't call me that…!" Sylvain yelled, unable to hold himself back on time, still too shaken after his nightmare and sore from his newest scar. Only after he said it he realized it was Felix, and that he was crying… again.

"I'm sorry…" said the little boy, fat tears already starting to fall from his eyes.

"N-No I... I'm sorry, Felix…" the young Gautier said, trying to compose himself a little, wiping his own face and pulling his hair back and out of the way "You scared me…"

"I'm sorry…" Felix repeated and approached the bed, sitting next to Sylvain, light hazel eyes fixed on the bandages peeking from under the redhead's night shirt.

Sylvain noticed, and it didn't matter how tired he felt, instinctively he fell into his acting again, pulling out his best smile.

"Don't worry, it doesn't even hurt." He lied, but at least it made Felix stop staring.

Felix didn't say anything and only kept looking down for a little longer. The silence felt uncomfortable to Sylvain, Though he wasn't sure of why. 

"What are you doing here?" The redhead finally asked, this time failing a bit to hide his exhaustion.

"I wanted to see if you were okay."

Something in Sylvain's chest clenched up and suddenly he felt like there was a knot right in his throat. He swallowed it hard and continued smiling.

"I'm fine."

But Felix, sweet innocent Felix, pinned him with a single phrase. "But why are you crying?"

Sylvain felt at a loss. He had already wiped his face but it only took that much for him to feel his own tears swelling up again, and it didn't matter how much he tried to hold them back, it wasn't working, not this time. He was afraid, he was more aware than never that he could die at any moment, that his brother genuinely was trying to kill him. If he had aimed just a little.more to the centre…

Sylvain knew he probably deserved to die, that he deserved his brother's hatred. But he didn't want to die. He was exhausted and angry but he didn't want to die, in spite of it all.

Felix climbed into the bed and hug Sylvain, and the young Gautier was rendered helpless. He had never been able to shove Felix off and he wasn't any better now, and he hated it. He hated not being able to hate like his brother hated. He hated that his own hatred wasn't a burning fire, but instead a quiet wild current under the calmness of a lake, and that it kept dragging him down and down and down, all cold and alone in the darkness of his personal abyss, unable to rage, unable to retaliate, unable to find retribution, or even want it anymore.

Sylvain has no idea why he clung to Felix like he was doing. This small, oblivious kid that knew nothing, that could understand nothing, and yet made him feel thing that he had never felt before.

Felix was warm, he trembled and whimpered as he sobbed against Sylvain, and yet it made him feel secure. Felix was a little, delicate hand that shot down into the dept of his lake and pulled him up, and allowed him to breathe.

The image of Felix throwing the sword back at Miklan, yelling at him, calling him out, demanding an apology, was something that no one had ever done for Sylvain. His father would only punish Miklan, his mother had ignored it. The servants at house Gautier only watched with pity in their eyes. All this time no one had hugged Sylvain when he was afraid, no one had asked him why he was crying, or if he was in pain.

When he realized, both of his arms were firmly locked around Felix in an iron grip, he held him close like he had never held anything before. He clung to him with all his heart and crumbled a little more when Felix held him back and murmured a quiet "Shh, I'll protect you."

"Felix…" Sylvain murmured, not trusting his own voice "Would you be my friend…?

 _Would you be mine?_ He wanted to say.

"Yes, Sylvi---- Syl... ah…"

Sylvain chuckled and squeezed him tighter "Don't call me Sylvie. Ever."

"Okay… sorry…"

Then the door opened, and Sylvain instantly pulled away, both had their faces completely red from crying.

"Lix…" Glen sighed impatiently. "This is where you were. Leave Sylvain alone, he needs to rest." He admonished as be moved to grab Felix's hand and pulled him away.

Sylvain wasn't able to say anything to stop him, but fortunately he didn't have to either. Felix started struggling and squirming, crying again.

"I don't want to go! I want to stay here with Syl…!" He managed to stop himself from calling him Sylvie again.

"Felix…" Glenn growled, pulling harder. "Go. To. Bed…!"

"I want to stay here…!" Felix continued kicking.

For an entire minute, Sylvain was only able to watch at the scene, and in his chest a new feeling bloomed, small, timid and frail, and he found himself smiling genuinely for the first time in his entire life.

"I don't mind, Glenn. Let him."

That stopped the other two from wrestling. Glenn released his brother and Felix immediately jumped back onto the bed and clung to Sylvain, glaring at Glenn from there with the most adorable pout.

"You sure, Gautier? Won't that shoulder hurt?"

Honestly, the idea of separating from Felix was a hundred times more painful, but Sylvain instead only said "It's okay."

Glenn have his brother a warning look before relenting. "Lock the door. Good night both of you." He said and left.

"Felix jumped forward and locked the door as Glenn instructed. Felix likely had no idea but Sylvain was painfully aware of why the eldest Fraldarius gave such an instruction. 

Sylvain would never figure out exactly what happened at the garden after he was taken back inside, but he noticed Glenn never talked to Miklan again, much less sparred with him or allowed him anywhere close to Felix, or any of the others, if he could help it. Sylvain included.

"Let's sleep." Sulvain smiled and Felix nodded enthusiastically, all tears forgotten.they lied down in Sylvain's bed, it was big enough for the two of them and it helped that Felix was small.

"Syl…?" Felix little voice pierced the darkness.

"Hmn?" He liked the new nickname. He liked it a lot.

"If Miklan is mean to you again, you tell me and I'll protect you. Okay?"

Sylvain's heart pounded heavily in his chest, but he wasn't sure if it was because those words made him happy, or terrified.

"It's okay."

"It's not okay!"

Sylvain Just moved his arms around Felix again and pulled him closer, holding him tight in his arms.

"I don't want him to hurt you too…" Sylvain's voice was trembling.

"He won't. I'm going to become strong and I'll protect you! You're my friend, Syl!"

Sylvain held him tighter and it made Felix giggle and groan.

"Okay." Sylvain accepted and Felix was content with it, and so he went to sleep right away, trapped and comfortable in Sylvain's arms.

But Sylvain would never tell him, because he really didn't want Miklan to hurt his little friend. It made Felix angry countless times but, as time passed he seemed to understand as well and stopped asking Sylvain to tell him about Miklan's abuses.

But he was always there for him, even when they were each at their own homes, miles and miles apart. Even when he knew Felix was Dimitri's best friend, and Dimitri was Felix's.

Everyone had someone, that's how things were. His father had his brother. His brother had Sylvain. Felix had Glenn and Dimitri. Glenn had Rodrigue and Ingrid, and Dimitri and Lambert. 

Sylvain only had Felix, but and that was fine. It didn't matter if he wasn't Felix's favorite person, Felix would always be Sylvain's.

And that was really all he needed to come out of his abyss and breathe.

+++

**Author's Note:**

> I really just wanted to write something soft and sweet... I failed lol, but at least I got this out of my system. 
> 
> I feel like I should add a second part where they confess and shit but we'll see what happens. It's not like there isn't already more than 6253828263 confession fics around.
> 
> Now I'm going back to write my self indulgent zombie AU.


End file.
